Ally McBeal
Blue Christmas

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Blue Christmas

Previously on Ally McBeal: Elaine's family sues her over the Face Bra. Elaine likes to kiss Ally, Billy, and John. She's John's fluffer. Billy kisses the Original Whipper, causing Georgia to leave.

Music starts playing, Vonda sings "Away in a Manger," and my cats start wailing and humping each other. Just your typical Monday night around here. Ally is walking down the street with Elaine, saying that she's not ready to sing at the Christmas party. Elaine has finally gotten an entire episode to revolve around her, but they made sure the only way she could get all of those lines was if she said all of them really quickly, so she's talking a mile a minute about how to be sexy onstage. She suddenly stops in front of a Nativity scene and says she swears she just saw Baby Jesus move. Ally is upset that someone else could be seeing things, and says, "Did he dance?" "Next she'll say 'Shut up!' That's the thing I say!" Elaine walks over to the baby and Ally follows her. Elaine walks over to the manger and finds a real live baby in REI swaddling clothes. Ally is giving Elaine this "Hey, get out of my fantasy life" look, but Elaine is too absorbed in the newborn. Ally walks over and starts poking the baby saying, "Oogachaka. Oogachaka," as if the baby will start dancing around in front of her. If I were Elaine I would have swerved that baby in the other direction and shouted, "Get away from her, you freak!" but instead she just gives Ally a look so Ally can announce, "It's real." Thank you, Dr. McBeal. Now go scratch yourself.

Vonda starts singing the theme song and my cats start tearing around the house ripping down stockings and ornaments. Very Special Episode, my ass.

Ooh, I'm being treated to three "sneak previews" of the "hot new show" Malcolm in the Middle. In the middle of making me nauseous.

Richard is trying to talk Ally out of singing at the Christmas party, but she's too busy eating the cuticles off her fingernails. He says that he's not opposed to her singing; it's just that since they all have ears they'll have to hear her. Ally begins chanting more to herself that she can indeed sing. "Why not? All the world's your stage," Richard drones on to no one. Ally walks into her office and screams. Man, how many times do I have to write that sentence this year? At first I assume she's screaming at the insane amount of Christmas decorations that have consumed her office, making her door look like that scene in Poltergeist when JoBeth Williams is trying to get into her kids' bedroom but the giant white ghost-thing is blocking her and she screams, "Stay away from my babies!" Instead, Ally just walks in on Elaine feeding the baby from a bottle. Amazingly, the kid doesn't start crying at Ally's screams. Ally slams the door and Elaine shushes her and coos that the baby is "such a good little eater." MALE FANTASY ALERT!

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Ally McBeal




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