Cal Sweeney

Episode Report Card
Tippi Blevins: C+ | Grade It Now!
Smooth Criminal

Dinner commences with no lack of awkwardness. Dr. Beauregard meets Dr. Lucille Sengupta for the first time and wastes no time in mispronouncing her name and just basically being an ass because her medical degrees are fancier than his. Tiller says something about the criminals at Alcatraz being "wired bad." Lucy believes that deviant behavior is caused by traumatic memories. She hopes to remove those memories and replace them with more soothing ones. "Removing memories? Sounds like magic to me," Dr. Beau says. "As did the discovery of fire to the caveman," Lucy says. Hee.

Alca-Hub. Rebecca and Doc have discovered that the only thing in Cal Sweeney's box is a charred, crushed and totally empty tin box. Hauser joins them, all in a huff. "This better be worth the interruption," he says. Interruption of what? Also: Shut up, Hauser. Doc tap-taps at the computer and shows them the info they've uncovered about Sweeney's other 2012 robbery. An owner of one of those safe deposit boxes was found dead in his home. This is different from Sweeney's past crimes, when he just sold the goods and moved on to the next town. Rebecca gets an idea. She asks Doc to run the security footage from both banks. She watches Sweeney flirt with two female tellers. "Both 45 to 50," Rebecca says. Neither looks close to 50 to me. "No wedding rings, average looks." They're not super models, but they're both pretty. You suck sometimes, TV. Rebecca notices that the tellers have identical vases of flowers, which luckily have cards bearing the name of the florist.

Mae's Flower Shop. The florist, a cute Asian woman, gives them a list of Sweeney's deliveries. She also tries to flirt with Doc, but he seems oblivious. The list shows a third arrangement was sent to a teller named Melissa at Heritage Bay National Bank.

Heritage Bay. Sweeney's putting the moves on Melissa in the safe deposit room. He's not quite fast enough with the syringe this time and she sees it coming. She manages to hit the alarm before he knocks her out. Working quickly, Sweeney scans the wall of boxes, finds #1863 and punches out the lock. When he tries to leave the bank with his ill-gotten goods, a guard stops him. Sweeney knocks him upside the head with his briefcase and steals his gun. Police cars pull up outside. Sweeney shoots the ceiling a few times and orders the bank patrons to the ground.

Flashback to the party. Warden James makes a nice toast in honor of Tiller, then gives him a pretty new fountain pen, uttering that old adage about the pen being mightier than the sword. Harlan accidentally on purpose spills some coffee in Tiller's lap, thus necessitating Tiller's exodus to the washroom. Sweeney follows after him. "Twenty percent, and I get my box back," he says. "Fifty," Tiller counters. "Thirty," Sweeney offers. Tiller holds firm and Sweeney caves. "Now give me my box," he says. "I told you I don' t have it," Tiller says. Sweeney flies into a rage. He grabs Tiller and shoves his head into the toilet bowl. Tiller uncaps his new pen and stabs Sweeney in the leg with it. Sometimes, boys and girls, the pen is a sword. While Sweeney writhes around on the floor in agony, Tiller calmly dries himself off and combs back his hair. "Tomorrow you go straight to the hole," Tiller says. Sweeney cries a little bit.

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